The first thing that my mother whispers to me when I come downstairsin the morning is "Alison...are you wearing shoes...?" I was not. A putrid odor wafts into my nostrils as my mother notifies me that our dog Ollie needs his anal glands "expressed".
I look down and see the poodle, his front paws resting in between his hind legs. He has that shameful look on his face that lets me know he has just done something grossly disturbing. The butt scoot.
In case you don't know, when a dog's anal sac is too full he becomes uncomfortable and drags his butt across the floor in an attempt to empty them. Poor, backed up Ollie.
My mother called the local vet while I was eating breakfast (she had already cleaned up the mess) and Ollie was expressed later that day. Anal sac all empty now! He kind of still smells, but this may be due to something else. He's a rather dirty animal.
Shout out to my classmates, English 455 class! Here's just a few of their wonderful work
1. Hyperderby
This blog follows a young woman through her adventures on a roller derby team in Bellingham, The Cog Blockers. The author of this blog is very honest and inspiring. She gives us personal accounts of her past experiences as a dancer and how she got to where she is today. I also used to want to become a professional dancer, but turned towards sports instead. In one post, she shares with us her food and exercise goals. She makes me feel a little better about eating 3 lbs ish of chocolate every day!
2. My Cat Thinks I'm funny
This post is absolutely HILARIOUS
A college student shares her experiences and tips with us that she has learned in her recent years. She has a open, sarcastic voice that is very easy to relate to. You'll say "Oh my gosh, I totally know what she's talking about" for EVERY post! She also has an adorable orange kitten that she adopted (to match her ginger hair, she says). I stick my cats in my shirts just like her!
This is a blog about the fictional places is stories which the author wishes to travel to. Her latest post describes the wonderful "Baba Yaga's hut", fairy godmother who eats children! Can it get any better than that? I think I'll be going with her on this adventure. I LOVE reading and writing about creepy fictional things! She also includes what brings her to find new fictional places to visit. For example, the event of her friend moving brought about the wonderful "Baba Yaga" post. I can't wait to read more!
Because my parents don't have any friends really, except the cats and dog, they feel the need to update me on every event of the day back at home. I get to hear about the highlights, such as when our dog Ollie puked up a piece of my dad's chewed sock. Here are some exciting texts that I have received in the last couple weeks:
Happy Friday! It has been a long week, but this weekend I am going home to see my family-so excited! My parents, older brother Alex, miniature poodle, 3 legged cat, 4 legged cat, and guinea pig will be there. Not to mention one one my best friends Carlena who is coming home from the University of Idaho for the weekend as well. I have known Carlena since the young days in Sunday School at our temple in Bellevue. While the other students sat around in a circle singing to the guitar stylings of Rabbi Murel's daughter, we would sneak of to the playground and throw woodchips at younger children.
Carlena and I ended up in the same 3rd grade portable together at elementary school. We spent the year making funny faces at each other across the room (we were banned from ever sitting next to each other the second day of class) and meeting "secretly" in the girl's bathroom. One time the teacher found us wrapping the toilet in toilet paper and made us call our parents. My dad responded, "Uh...well, don't do it again."
We had even more fun committing mischievous crimes at Carlena's house, just a two minute drive from my place. One day they had mechanic over to fix their sink. As the larger than normal man bent down, he exposed nearly half of his behind. Carlena and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows and exploded into a fit of laughter. Her mother gave us a look, but we could tell she was holding back a smile.
A couple of hours later Carlena and I came up with a plan to get back at the large man for exposing our virgin eyes to his filthy butt crack. When Carlena's mom was gone from the kitchen, we approached the man. We politely told him that we were making some toast and butter and quickly grabbed the butter from the fridge. Forget the bread. Then we snuck outside to where the man's truck was, holding back laughter. We broke of pieces of butter from the stick and began smearing them on the inside of the door handle.
We ran inside and waiting by the window from above. When he saw him finally exit the house we were hysterical, already rolling into walls laughing. We watched as he reached for the handle and pulled back in surprise. He tried to twist his body in a way so he could see what slimy substance it was that was making his hands all oily and wet, but his head kept bumping against the door of the truck. He eventually gave up and just wiped his hands on the back of his trousers, got in the truck, and drove away. We waved goodbye from the window thinking we were so clever, which we were.
We'll see what kind of trouble we get into this time muahahah!
Me and Carlena in Seattle!
Me and Carlena at the Mercer Island Beach Club for a barbeque with our families!
I really do not like mushrooms. I think that they are disgusting in both taste and looks. They have the texture of a human ear. If I see you eating a mushroom, this is how you will look to me:
I'd rather not have to see you like this, for everyone's sake. Do yourself a favor and avoid mushrooms.
As a follow up to my discussion on the Disney Channel I would like to mention that I watched Heavy Weights last night, another masterpiece by channel 41! Pretty much everyone is fat at Camp Hope and rolls in melted chocolate and swims. Then some hardcore workout enthusiast comes and actually tries to help the boys lose weight, but they perform mutiny and take him down-they really don't like physical activity. I wanted to go to Camp Hope so bad! I still do.
Because we taped it right from the channel, we got to see the awesome old school commercials! I got to watch THE PROUD FAMILY THEME SONG/MUSIC VIDEO OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!! I was freaking out. I jumped on the couch and rewinding it again and again-I still knew ALL THE WORDS!!! I cried a little bit, I have to admit. This is a huge feat! Still got that Zoog Disney inside of me.
Because I stayed up until 3 a.m. last night/this morning working on my blog I was feeling a little loopy all day. You know those kinds of days where everything, even the dumbest things, seem hilarious and your just so out of it?
The weirdness began with an odd dream, of course. When I woke up I actually thought that I was at my house with my family on Mercer Island and an angry mob was invading us. In my dream, there was a family that had moved into our pool and would not leave. No, I don't have a pool at home, but this did not seem to faze me. Also, our backyard was filled with long exquisite tables filled with a plethora of different types of foods. There were rolls, ten story high cakes, and pimento stuffed olives. At this point I knew something was off because my backyard is in actuality a wad of dead grass with dog feces and a broken badminton net.
Anyway, this family decided that they would move into our non-existent pool that was emptied during the winter. They put a tarp over it and called it home. I was mad at them for living in our backyard without permission and they also had a major attitude.
But I grew to like them because they reminded me of The Proud Family from Disney Channel. I told them this and they were very flattered! They started singing The Proud Family theme song and I was hooked! They were pro! I decided at that point that it was okay that they stay.
Clearly the Proud Family theme song brings peace and justice and happiness.
There's suga'mama in pink with Puff doin her thing
Remember the good ol' days of Disney Channel with shows like The Proud Family, Smart Guy, Even Stevens, Lizzie Mcquire, Jersey, etc? EVERYONE watched and talked about these shows, it was the cool thing to do! If you watched Disney Channel you were automatically IN. Your parents watched it and loved it too! Even your old Grandma Martha could watch with you without feeling the need to reminisce on the good ol' days when there was no T.V. and she knitted a wool sock to stay warm in the Winter instead. Even if your saying "b.s. those shows were as lame as sour milk" you obviously didn't hate them that much because I know that you watched them.
I think what we all could benefit from is a "Retro Disney Channel" where all of the old school cool shows play all day and all night long. The world would just be a much better place, I think.
Okay, so I intended to continue on with my odd day, but I let my Disney Channel impulse take over so I won't make you read much farther. I just also want to share a video that we started to watch in my Young Adult Lit. Class. We've been reading books in which confused male teenagers rebel against society. So far we've read Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton and The Chocolate War by Robert Cormier. I recommend all of these books by the way!
This film Over The Edge starring Matt Dillon was released in 1979 and was apparently inspired by true events of teen rebellion that occurred during the 70's. Here's just a preview of it:
I know, amazing. This made me want to go back and live during the 70's. I couldn't stop smiling while we watched it. My eyes were twitching and the back of my knees got a little sweaty. (Sorry if the quality is not that good, but I think you can find the full version on youtube like I will be doing.)I recommend putting a towel or something in your mouth to keep you from biting your tongue off...yes, it's THAT good.
I had this dream a while ago, at least a week ago, but I still feel the need to share it with you. I don't remember the whole thing but I do remember that I was being chased around my house by huge monster worms that looked kind of like this:
So I take off and start booking it all over my neighborhood past the rhododendrons, past old Mr. Engleberg shaping his shrubs and past little kids on bicycles, but the worms are only after me of course so they paid no attention to the other fresh meat that had probably just eaten a whole pan of bagel bites and chocolate cake.
I make it back to my house and turn around and the worms are gone at last! I step up on my porch in victory, but then I start to feel a tickle in my throat and something making its way up and out of my mouth...
I begin gagging up one of the live monster worms so I throw my hands at my mouth and start pulling at it with all of my strength, but it just keeps coming. If you've ever seen the Ring, it was like that scene where Samara starts coughing up some electric wire and keeps pulling at it until there's like ten feet of wire coiled up at her feet.
Luckily my dad pops up out of nowhere with a Samurai sword and starts wacking at the worm. He manages to get a decent size chunk of the monster's head thanks to his recently developed pro Samurai skills!
So down went the huge worm. It's little creeper feelers shriveled up and it's guts and blood launched into the air and onto our indestructible bodies. I was safe at last!
Here are some real life photos that proves father Big T's force:
Big T conquering a jungle
Big T sharing his skills with me
The whole clan. Big T stands strong in the center.
You know that one really bizarre dream that you had that other night? The one where that oversized poodle/crow was chasing you while you were holding a baby child but your legs wouldn't move? And then a large burger on the side of the road tripped you and the baby is screaming and your doomed.
Maybe this is far off from your dreams, but this is similar to what happens every night after I take my 50 milligrams tablet of Trazodone for insomnia.
Before I started taking this wonderful medicine my junior year of high school at Mercer Island I would get roughly 1-3 hours over the course of one night. It was common for me to go downstairs at 3 o clock in the morning and stack our food cans in pyramids or alphabetize our magazines.
Pre-Traz
With bags under my eyes every day, my mother told me that I looked like a haggard old lady. I was She dragged me to the doctor. That genius gave me my best friend.
Now I get 8+ hours AND enjoy bizarre amazing dreams. AND I almost always remember them in the morning.
This is a picture of me now, happy, with my friend and medication Traz:
